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2. Day 7: A One-sided Conversation
One of the fears of depression I have noticed within myself is that I have no right to feel depressed. This quote I read in a Maisie Dobbs novel expressed the nebulous fear in the background I was feeling but couldn’t express. “The girl’s had the very best, so don’t tell me about despair, Miss Dobbs, that girl’s got no right to despair.”—–Birds of a Feather by Jaquelline Winspear I guess I thought if I continued to ignore it, I would always feel happy. HS: Depression cannot be ignored. It is a calling from within to notice your...
read more2. Day 6: The Power I Am Afraid of Using
Extending love to depression feels very much like extending love to both power-lessness AND needing to extend love to power. This old quote rings in my ears: “All power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.”—-Lord Acton, British historian Me: So what is the power that depression is afraid of using, claiming and being? HS: The Power of Loving Unconditionally Me: Loving unconditionally does indeed feel a little scary in the light of the recent conversations I’ve had with folks re the ease of carrying a gun in...
read more2. Day 5: I Allow Myself to See
The Holy Spirit continues with this message of love regarding power and powerlessness and gives me a great practice. HS: When you feel depressed you feel powerless. When you feel powerless (fear of power) you feel depressed. Think of areas you feel powerless in. Me: Assuring my children are happy, healthy and strong; my body’s health and strength; wearing high heels (ever since my Mother was in a wheel chair and I got used to needing flat shoes for my own sure-footedness in moving her to and fro); driving; high powered business situations;...
read more2. Day 4: In Cahoots with Good
I learned yesterday that depression comes from power I possess but have not used. What qualities of love are best to extend to powerlessness to increase and balance my awareness of my true power? Holy Spirit: Be willing to sit in stillness and invite power to make itself know to you in a feeling or sensation. It may be a tingling, a sense of spaciousness or a feeling of openness to what is. Powerlessness is a state of fearing power; it is not lack of power. Powerlessness is a state of fearing power; it is not lack of power. As you allow...
read more2. Day 3: Who Me?
This is why I hate depression. It pushes people away. A friend is going through a heavy phase of something. It feels like depression from where I stand but really, what do I know? My friend does not want to connect at all. This is the crux of what gets me about being on the other side of depression. It hurts. It feels like a slap in the face. So, Holy Spirit, it doesn’t seem you would feel wounded, hurt, sad or annoyed now so this must be my fear talking. How can I see this in Love’s eyes? Or rather, let me see in Love what is the...
read more2. Day 2: “21 Fear Salute”
When I asked depression what do you feel like these are the fears that poured forth. Depression is quite dense, thick and airless. It is heavy, full and empty at the same time, and nebulous. The list of fears below is what came to me in the middle of the night and I wrote them down on my phone so I didn’t have to disturb my husband and the dogs out in the part of the house where my notebook was. 21 Fears of Depression Closed thought system Closed questions Unwillingness Fear of the bigger picture Fear of Vastness Fear of Truth...
read more2. Day 1: Hello Depression
I wondered how it would happen. At 4:37am I woke up and KNEW my next epic fear. It is DEPRESSION. For the first time this pall, this cloud, this vortex of thought and despair did not make my heart go cold and my head go numb. It had already happened the day before when a dear friend eked out: “Everything is difficult; I don’t want to do anything; everything seems heavy; I don’t see the point any way; I didn’t want to tell you because I like to share happy things.” I thought to myself later: OH NO!!!! Not again! (several of my nearest...
read more1. Day 30: Go As Far As You Can See
I continue to feel the overwhelm of too many things happening at once. I don’t feel I can be present for all of it. Please help Holy Spirit. HS: Precious One, Be still a moment and feel into your vast, immense, eternal peace. Feel into the perfectness of the unfolding of each event. See the inherent mystery in the evolvement. It is beautiful. See the colors and textures. Hear the sounds of breath and sparkle. Feel the shivers of delight and anticipation running through you. You are always standing on the Eve of Greatness. You are...
read more1. Day 29: Being Here Now
I continue to feel the tidal pull between business, my spiritual practice of my commitment to extending love to my fears and wanting to be with family. The pull of the actions commitment seems to require is great. It is hard to sit still and meditate or BE in the face of commitment (even if it is a commitment to facing my fear and blogging about it). I must not really understand commitment or what is going on inside me. Please show me the way to peace and joy AND commitment, it must be possible. Thank you. Me: I feel the tidal pull of...
read more1. Day 28: Worthy is the Lamb
Holy Spirit, yesterday felt like a car crash: the speed of business meets the intensity of desire for close family time. In this moment I am bloody annoyed; at commitment, at life, at myself. This thought just in from a brief sojourn in the bathroom (isn’t it always the way): I feel like something is being asked of me that I don’t want to do/give/be. What do I think is expected of me? I feel that it is expected that I be happy, bouncy, cheerful caring……. all the time. HS: Where are you right now? Me: In the living room with tea, water...
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