2. Day 2: “21 Fear Salute”
When I asked depression what do you feel like these are the fears that poured forth. Depression is quite dense, thick and airless. It is heavy, full and empty at the same time, and nebulous. The list of fears below is what came to me in the middle of the night and I wrote them down on my phone so I didn’t have to disturb my husband and the dogs out in the part of the house where my notebook was. 21 Fears of Depression Closed thought system Closed questions Unwillingness Fear of the bigger picture Fear of Vastness Fear of Truth Fear of asking for help Fear of not being heard Fear...
Read More2. Day 1: Hello Depression
I wondered how it would happen. At 4:37am I woke up and KNEW my next epic fear. It is DEPRESSION. For the first time this pall, this cloud, this vortex of thought and despair did not make my heart go cold and my head go numb. It had already happened the day before when a dear friend eked out: “Everything is difficult; I don’t want to do anything; everything seems heavy; I don’t see the point any way; I didn’t want to tell you because I like to share happy things.” I thought to myself later: OH NO!!!! Not again! (several of my nearest and dearest have experienced the spectrum of...
Read More1. Day 30: Go As Far As You Can See
I continue to feel the overwhelm of too many things happening at once. I don’t feel I can be present for all of it. Please help Holy Spirit. HS: Precious One, Be still a moment and feel into your vast, immense, eternal peace. Feel into the perfectness of the unfolding of each event. See the inherent mystery in the evolvement. It is beautiful. See the colors and textures. Hear the sounds of breath and sparkle. Feel the shivers of delight and anticipation running through you. You are always standing on the Eve of Greatness. You are aware of both the moment and the Whole; now and...
Read More1. Day 29: Being Here Now
I continue to feel the tidal pull between business, my spiritual practice of my commitment to extending love to my fears and wanting to be with family. The pull of the actions commitment seems to require is great. It is hard to sit still and meditate or BE in the face of commitment (even if it is a commitment to facing my fear and blogging about it). I must not really understand commitment or what is going on inside me. Please show me the way to peace and joy AND commitment, it must be possible. Thank you. Me: I feel the tidal pull of activities swirling around me and this feels...
Read More1. Day 28: Worthy is the Lamb
Holy Spirit, yesterday felt like a car crash: the speed of business meets the intensity of desire for close family time. In this moment I am bloody annoyed; at commitment, at life, at myself. This thought just in from a brief sojourn in the bathroom (isn’t it always the way): I feel like something is being asked of me that I don’t want to do/give/be. What do I think is expected of me? I feel that it is expected that I be happy, bouncy, cheerful caring……. all the time. HS: Where are you right now? Me: In the living room with tea, water and journal. I am completely comfortable, nothing...
Read More