7. Day 30: Judgment Can Come Too

Posted by on Oct 30, 2014 in All-One, Blogging As My Spiritual Practice, Fear of Honesty | 0 comments

7. Day 30:  Judgment Can Come Too

I had a docent training yesterday that left my head spinning.  It went so long I was in traffic I normally miss so got the opportunity to sit quietly with my thoughts on the drive home.  My thoughts were like a group of 5th graders after indulging in the Halloween treats offered at the class party; rowdy, tired, hyped up on sugar and had no way to expend the energy.  Because I am extending honesty this month I tried extending honesty to the moment.  I was tired, bewildered, hungry, confused, yet strangely empowered.  None of this made sense.  I am an art docent at the Crocker Art Museum and love, love , LOVE this part of my life.  The training we took part in was a pilot program ultimately being offered to teachers in California on how best to integrate the visual and performing arts into the Core Curriculum.  I certainly applaud the integration of art in education as it is one of the the original core disciplines in a classic education.

I must offer my deep gratitude to teachers working with the Core Curriculum in California.   But, does your mind bend too?  My mind was so activated by this convoluted way of saying what it turns out I actually already knew that it was as if my mind was trying to eat itself.  My hat is off to all teachers trying to both teach a subject well and work from this core curriculum.  I understand that the idea of a core curriculum (or maybe I don’t) and the ‘why’ behind it sounds like a great idea (to instill critical thinking skills in students to prepare them for the technologically savvy world) but the implementation is designed to literally play with minds.  Today’s training was essentially designed to train teachers who are presumably already versed in the way of educators and core curriculum but they lost me on the definition of ‘text’ which came to include printed and not printed.  This means, if I got it right, that ‘text’ was broken into printed (words on a page like magazine, book newspaper etc) and non printed (paintings, sculpture, collage etc).  From this point on my mind took over and I could barely hear my heart.

Where pleasing disconnects is when it becomes the goal & end.

Honesty welcomes “OH NO!”

Now that I am home and recovered to some degree I honestly want to consult my heart.   I want to honor the intentions of including art as a part of true education.  I want to applaud and thank those who worked very hard to produce this training.  I also have to be honest with myself. I feel messed with in my head.  This training literally activated my mind while deactivating my heart.  The thing that made it bearable was honesty.  Yes, honesty.  You know how you want to ask a question but you don’t because you think the question is dumb?  Well, I asked the dumb question because it was a way to extend honesty which was the only quality of love I could hang onto.  I challenged the trainer about the definition of text.  It turns out I wasn’t the only one scratching my head. It reminded me of junior high school in Texas in the early 70’s when my first grammar class taught us “A noun is not a noun; a verb is not a verb.” Huh??  So what IS it then?

So I got to confront this part of myself who still thinks I can separate my mind and my heart.  No wonder my heart was racing.  Surely I cannot really do this?  Honesty IS.  My heart IS.  My mind IS.  And, it is ok for me to feel dissatisfaction with a training.  To admit I was confused.  I can also own that I do actually know a fair amount about being an art docent and even a wacky training did not make me forget this.  I did want to flee (as one does when the clock is ticking and your parking meter is about to run out) but I also want to stay and honor my confusion if that makes any sense.  My staying actually afforded me the opportunity to be informally interviewed by a representative of the Art’s Council funding the project.  And honesty allowed me to be honest with both my confusion and my desire to integrate art back into the curriculum.  Cool huh?

I love that honesty is allowing me to notice, accept and be able to express all that is within my experience without judgment.  Oh, which reminds me ‘judgment’ was actually one of the steps in the art appreciation process, but don’t get me started about that.  Judgment can come, too, and let Love have it’s way with it.

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