3. Day 1: Vulcan Mind-Meld

Posted by on Jun 1, 2014 in All-One, Fear of Guilt, Veil Sale | 8 comments

3. Day 1:  Vulcan Mind-Meld

Today we begin a new month of extending love to an epic fear.  Holy Spirit did it again with a 4:17am wake up call.  (I must be my most open at 4am.)  I almost don’t want to say out loud what the next fear is.  As far as I can remember it has affected me my whole life.  It has both propelled me and stopped me from speaking my own heart and mind for the sake of others (apparently and obviously more important others) and left me frying in my own juices, like a steak on the grill.  For me this fear has the physical effect of self-electrocution.  I never really looked at this as a fear, more of a fact of life–it is that BIG.  I have no clue where this is going, not one.  No list in the middle of the night like the 21 Fear Salute of depression; no plan, no preconceived ideas, nothing.  I feel like I am setting out to climb Mt. Everest wearing sandals and carrying nothing but a sack lunch.  I can see the fear (mountain), I know I am going somewhere and will need something (hence shoes and food) but I am not real certain I have what I need, or even know where I am going.  This fear is making itself felt this very moment.  Who am I to make this trek?  I don’t know if I am up to the task.  I know I should be better at this, more cheerful and full of hope.  I mean, I have been practicing extending love in all corners of my mind and life for years.

When Holy Spirit woke me up with:

HS:  Let’s look at guilt.  Together.

Me:  NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOooo!!!!!!

I feel guilty just saying the word guilt.  I have always felt responsible for others.  My dolls were the best

My first charges.

My first charges.

cared-for dolls on the planet.  It was my job to tend and care for all strays whether the last doll left behind on the shelf, the last donut on the plate or the friend kicked out of her dorm who needed a place to stay.  I brought them all home.  I would care when no one else would.  I am a one woman Marine Battalion whose motto is also:  “Leave no one behind.”  Of course my own fear of being left out or behind was why I would “feel” how terrible it was to be left behind.

In making it my earliest mission to save the world, I was destined to feel the misery of the guilt of failing to keep ALL from harm and misery.

It wasn’t until I had put myself in the most obvious, untenable situation of sharing a house with both my own husband and children and my parents while we all helped care for my Mother did I ever even notice my mission and raison d’etre just might not be possible.  I actually believed I could love and care for everyone ENOUGH that they would remain safe, healthy and ,most importantly, happy; always.  To witness catastrophic health failure at the same time as explosive business growth while raising two incredibly beautiful, powerful girls was soul shattering.

No wait.  the witness of this wasn’t shattering, the guilt of not being able to change any of it was what tore me apart.  It felt like what I imagine a Vulcan mind meld might be like:  electric, mind blowing and earth shattering combined with an epic knowledge transfer and in that moment I knew that I knew nothing (the beginning of enlightenment).

Join me into the adventure of extending love to guilt for the next 30 days.  Let’s see what happens. Together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Comments

  1. I’m rather nervous to go down this path of extending love to guilt with you. This one hit home more than the others. 🙂 Thank you for shinning a light on one of the most epic fears we face in life.

    • Eva Lisle

      Somehow if we look in love, NOTHING remains as scary, separating and heavy. Looking in love TOGETHER makes it easier, more delicious and holy to boot! xo

  2. Wow. That sounds so much like me. And it never surfaced for me. Maybe because I am not awake at 4am?! Seriously, though, I did not let it surface as I do with some other things I don’t really want to face except one at a time.

    For 30 days extend love to guilt. Sounds great. This month, all month love to guilt in all ways. I feel a miracle on the way. Thanks so much for this Eva,

    • Eva Lisle

      Thanks for commenting Patricia! I like the way your heart thinks. Yes, I feel the miracle tide of God-IS-Love rising all of our hearts together. Love you, xoxo

  3. That was a good post and one I can relate to. We all want to be “enough” to make our loved ones safe and happy, but in the end only God can truly accomplish that through the spiritual gifts he imparts to us. Thanks, I really had a good chuckle over the self-electrocution:) what a good visual picture that was!

    • Eva Lisle

      I guess God knows I need “visual aids” to get my own heart’s attention, lol! It IS the wholeness of God’s Love and devotion to His children that accomplishes all things. I think extending love to guilt allows the veil of guilt, shame or “not-enough” to fall away so we can truly experience the fullness of truth. Thank you so much for commenting sweetheart! xoxo

  4. Recovery from guilt — now THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about!!
    For those of us hard-wired to be the helper/giver (Enneagram type 2) it seemed like were hired by the universe to save everyone and fix every problem and find every solution and read everyone’s mind and….
    Oy!
    Stop the guilt, I wanna get off!
    Actually, I’ve made some progress on this, but there’s a lot more iceberg to chip away at. 😉

    • Eva Lisle

      I’m with you Jill! My favorite quote from my daughters is when they see me going down this guilt-ridden path and they shout: “Momma throw yourself OFF that guilt train [of thought] right NOW!!” 🙂

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